Fandom: Super Junior, Harry Potter
Pairing: Siwon/Hankyung/Heechul, Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi, Kibum/Donghae, Yehsung/Ryeowook, Sungmin/Henry, others implied.
Word count: 4,418
Summary: “I don’t know,” said Shindong. “Do you get the feeling that everyone else is just using this as a chance to have sex someplace different than usual?”
A/N: LOL IDEK WHAT THIS IS. SOMEONE STOP ME. THIS FIC SHOULD BE TITLED “SUJU HAVE SEX AND LET ME SHOW YOU MY HEECHUL BIAS”.
I know that prefects can’t take away points, and I know that I’ve missed out so many Harry Potter characters, and I know that this is stupid. Oh my god, there are too many characters. And with this, my word count of this year is over 300,000 *dies*.
Thanks to broken_home_ for originally inspiring this, meiface for encouraging, and tokyolights for helping to come up with ideas XD
“This,” said Professor McGonagall, with her arms folded across her chest, “is one of the most ridiculous things you have ever done.” This was, she felt, rather an extreme statement, considering all of the crazy things that Dumbledore had done, but also rather true. “I do not understand how you plan on doing this. Fifteen new students, suddenly, starting in the middle of the year? We’re going to have to have an entire new sorting ceremony for them!”
“My dear Professor,” said Dumbledore, eyes twinkling in that way that got quite annoying after a few years, to be perfectly honest. “We have fresh new students, eager to attend, willing to learn. How could I possibly turn them down?”
“I just hope you know what you are doing,” said McGonagall, with a haughty sniff, though that was the problem with Dumbledore. He always knew exactly what it was that he was doing – it was just everyone else who didn’t.
“Hyung,” said Ryeowook, fingers tugging on the sleeve of Eeteuk’s robe. “Hyung, are they really going to separate us?”
“It’s the rules, Wookie,” said Eeteuk, and patted him on the head. “They’re just going to split us into houses, it’s nothing to worry about really.”
“But I don’t speak English!” said Ryeowook in a tearful wail.
“I’ve already sorted it with the headmaster,” said Eeteuk comfortingly. “There’s a spell that he can cast on us to make our Korean sound like English and vice-versa.”
“What about Chinese?” said Hankyung feverishly. “It doesn’t work on Chinese, right?”
“I don’t know,” said Eeteuk with a frown. “I never thought to ask about that.”
“Do you think if I spoke nothing but Chinese, they’d send me home?” Hankyung said, to no one in particular. “Back to China, I mean.”
“That’s not important,” said Heechul. “What’s important is that these robes look awful on me. Seriously, this was such a bad idea.”
“It would be a shame to let our talents go to waste,” said Donghae, who had learnt the words on the encouraging pamphlet their managers had given them off by heart.
“What talents?” asked Kyuhyun, who was not amused by one single bit of the situation. “Heechul-hyung’s talent at being a bitch? Kangin-hyung’s talent at accidently hitting people? I wasn’t aware that we even had magical talents.”
“I do,” said Heechul smugly. “You just haven’t had the privilege of experiencing them yet.”
“I think you look very nice, hyung,” said Siwon loyally.
“Yes, well,” said Heechul. “Black’s my colour.” He paused and frowned. “Wait. Everything’s my colour.”
“Is narcissism a shade of pink?” said Kangin. “Is that why you like it so much?”
“I think my robes are a bit short,” said Zhou Mi sadly.
“Then stop being so tall,” said Kyuhyun.
“Don’t worry, Wookie,” Eeteuk said firmly. “No matter what houses we get put in, I will always be this group’s leader. I will always be your hyung.”
“Oh my god, shut the fuck up,” said Kangin.
The sorting ceremony was a bit of a farce, everyone involved had to admit. The staff of Hogwarts had been unsure as to whether to do it in alphabetical order, and if so, whether to go with Korean ordering or Western ordering. Eventually it had been decided that they would start at the right and go left; Heechul was on the left and demanded to go first.
He was immediately sorted into Slytherin and sauntered up to that table and sat down next to a pale boy with blonde hair. Everyone there looked a little awed and apprehensive about the newest addition to their numbers, as Heechul inspected his fingernails coolly and flicked his bright orange hair over his shoulder.
“They all look like I would if I found out I had to spend the rest of the year in close quarters with Heechul,” whispered Kangin.
“Fuck you,” Eeteuk whispered back. “I did.”
The next person up was Kibum, who was also sorted into Slytherin. He sat down opposite Heechul and pulled a book out of his pocket and immediately began to read, ignoring the rest of the ceremony. Kyuhyun and Kibum had been most displeased to find that electricity didn’t work at Hogwarts, and so they weren’t able to play video games there. Kyuhyun had refused to come to begin with.
Kyuhyun, Kangin and Yehsung joined Heechul and Kibum in Slytherin, interspersed with Eeteuk, Eunhyuk, Zhou Mi and Ryeowook being sorted into Hufflepuff, Shindong and Sungmin into Ravenclaw, and Henry, Donghae, Siwon and Hankyung into Gryffindor. The sortings of Hankyung and Siwon had been last, because they had also been on the left and had chosen to not follow Heechul’s example, and they had caused quite a stir.
When the hat shouted “GRYFFINDOR!” for Hankyung, Heechul had stood up slowly, hands pressed to the table, mouth curled into a sneer. When the same result was gained by Siwon, the sneer had morphed into outright shock and he threw his arms into the air as the Gryffindor table cheered and Siwon made his way over to sit next to Hankyung.
“Traitors!” he screamed, but his voice was thankfully drowned out by the cheers. “You fucking traitors, see if I ever have sex with you two ever again!”
“Hyung,” said Kyuhyun wearily, reaching over to pull Heechul down by the back of the robe. “Too much information.” All the people around them who had been able to hear Heechul stared a little.
“You’re too loud,” said Kangin. “God, why are you such a fag.”
“Fuck you!” shrieked Heechul, and carefully scraped his fingernails down his arm.
“I don’t know,” Shindong was saying over at the Gryffindor table, as everyone watched Kangin attempt to strangle Heechul. “Don’t you think that this will reflect badly on Korea?”
“Probably not,” said Hankyung. “It’ll probably just reflect badly on Heechul.”
“This is so weird,” Henry said, looking around with wide eyes. “I mean, I’m in Hogwarts. I didn’t think it really existed!”
“Oh my god!” squealed the girl sitting next to him, looking at him with bright eyes. “Are you American?”
“No,” said Henry with an annoyed frown. “I’m Canadian.”
“We’ve never had a Canadian transfer student,” said the girl. “And you’re so hot!”
Henry choked a little and grabbed onto Donghae’s arm. “I don’t want to be a Mary-Sue!” he wailed.
As it turned out, they did all have a talent for magic, as Ryeowook found out next morning while walking to class, much to his distress. He inadvertently set off a series of sparks without quite knowing how when he was walking to the grand hall, and had to be rescued from the caretaker by Eeteuk explaining to Filch and their Head of House that they had never used magic before and didn’t know what they were doing.
“I swear,” Yehsung growled as he sat with Ryeowook on the grass near the lake at break time. “When I get my hands on that caretaker, I’m going to-”
“Hyung!” said Ryeowook, scandalised, as Yehsung made a violent gesture in mid-air. Yehsung smiled a little sheepishly at him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
“You’re alright, aren’t you?” he asked. “Being here?”
“Yeah,” said Ryeowook, enthusiastically. “I really like it! You know, today, I managed to brew my first ever potion perfectly? I guess all that cooking skill comes in handy! Even that scary professor didn’t have anything to say about it.”
“Professor Snape?” Yehsung shrugged a little. “He’s our Head of House. He gave us all this talk yesterday, about doing our best for Slytherin and winning points and not embarrassing him. It was like listening to manager-hyung.”
“He’s scary,” said Ryeowook with a shudder. “He gives me the creeps.”
“Hey!” A loud shout in the distance had them both looking up, to see the boy that Heechul had sat next to the night before making his way over, flanked on either side by considerably larger youths. Yehsung frowned up at him.
“Yeah?” he said.
“You’re a Slytherin,” said the boy with a sneer. “You should have more pride than to talk to a Hufflepuff.”
Yehsung glanced, dumbfounded, at Ryeowook, who just stared back, confused. “But it’s just Ryeowook,” he said. “What’s his house got to do with anything?”
“Slytherin’s don’t associate with Hufflepuffs,” said the boy. “In fact, the only thing worse would be if I had caught you with an arm around a Gryffindor.”
“What’s wrong with Hufflepuffs?” asked Yehsung, and the two boys on either side of the sneering boy sucked in deep breaths of horror.
“What’s wrong with Hufflepuffs?” repeated the boy, incredulous. “Well, you mean beyond the fact that they’re stupid and worthless?”
Yehsung raised his eyebrows and felt Ryeowook take hold of his sleeve; when he glanced in his direction, he saw that Ryeowook was struggling to hold back tears. Yehsung turned to glare at the boy. “You!” he yelled, and leapt forward.
“I can’t believe it’s only the first day,” said Eeteuk, glaring at Yehsung with his arms folded across his chest, “and you’re already in trouble.”
“He insulted Ryeowook and made him cry,” said Yehsung petulantly.
“He did?” Eeteuk let his arms drop to his sides as he frowned. “Well, that changes things. What did he say?”
“He said Hufflepuffs are stupid and worthless,” said Ryeowook with a wipe at his eyes.
“He said what?” shouted Eeteuk, and it took both Yehsung and Ryeowook holding him back to stop him from going out and beating the life out of one Draco Malfoy.
Heechul, by the second day, had worked out exactly how to deal with the apparent betrayal of Siwon and Hankyung. He told everyone who would listen that he had a plan, a plan that would make them see the error of their ways, a plan that would cause them to come running back to the house that they should have been in.
“Hyung,” said Kibum. “Do you not think that perhaps the fact that the two of them were put in a house together means something? Like, it’s you who should be going over there?”
Heechul stared at him.
Kibum winced. “Okay,” he said. “I take your point.”
The Slytherins were sitting already when the Gryffindors came in for breakfast, and there was a beat before Heechul stood up, put his hands around his mouth, and screamed, “TRAITORS!”, before sitting back down and calmly resuming with his meal. Everyone turned to stare at him, Siwon walked into one of the benches, and Hankyung threw himself down and groaned loudly.
Heechul continued to do this for one week, until Hankyung calmly asked to talk to him. After half an hour spent in a spare classroom together, Heechul emerged smug and smirking, while Hankyung re-appeared with his tie missing and fell asleep during Charms. A solution had apparently been worked out, although no one quite wanted know how.
“Just because we’re in different houses,” said Siwon earnestly, “doesn’t mean that anything’s changed between us.”
“I know that,” said Heechul, fiddling with Siwon’s tie. “And you know why?” Siwon shook his head, and Hankyung just made a sound of I would just like to die, please. “Because I’ve found the room that one of the boys in my Transfiguration class, the one that becomes whatever you want the most.”
“Really?” said Siwon, breath hitching a little as Heechul’s fingers slipped between the buttons on his shirt.
“Yeah,” breathed Heechul, and Hankyung sat up a little. “And I’ve already tried it out. And guess what! It will turn into an S&M dungeon.”
“Nyuh,” said Siwon, as Hankyung made that sound again.
“Oh, come on,” said Heechul with a smirk. “Don’t think I don’t know what you two are getting up to in your dorm. And don’t think I’m going to let you get away with it.”
“I hate it here,” said Kyuhyun, banging his head repeatedly off the shelf in front of him, but lightly so. “It’s unnatural to not have electricity. I’m going crazy, seriously. What kind of a place doesn’t have video games?”
“I love it here!” said Zhou Mi brightly. “Look at what I learnt in Charms today!” Kyuhyun turned around to see Zhou Mi with his wand held high, a shower of silver sparks flowing endlessly from the tip and disappearing into the atmosphere. “I can make sparkles come out of my wand!”
Kyuhyun grinned at him. “Is that a euphemism?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” said Zhou Mi. “You tell me.”
“I’ll have to check,” said Kyuhyun, slipping onto his lap, legs straddling his hips. He leant in close. “Again.”
“Kui Xian,” said Zhou Mi, hands coming up to hold onto Kyuhyun’s waist. “We’re in the library.”
“Mmm,” drawled Kyuhyun, fingers deftly undoing Zhou Mi’s tie. “Is that a request for this to go around your mouth, or do you think you can be quiet?” He kissed him quickly, nipping slightly at his lip. “After all,” he said with a grin. “We wouldn’t want to cause the librarian to come running, would we, Mimi?”
Zhou Mi just moaned.
Kibum was standing near the western wall of the castle, arm against the stone as he talked to three girls, all at different stages of I think I’m a little in love with you. One was giggling behind her hand, another was blushing and stammering, and the third was practically pressed up against his side. If he worked it correctly, he could have all three completely in love with him, and then he’d only have the Gryffindor house to go.
Kibum groaned a little and ignored Donghae’s voice coming towards him across the grounds. He ignored it, continued to talk to the girls, and managed that up until Donghae shoved him on the shoulder and trilled, “Kibum!” into his ear. The girls stared a little.
“Yeah?” said Kibum, turning with a sigh to face Donghae.
Donghae smiled widely at him, face lighting up, pushing his hair from his eyes with one hand and hitching his bag up on his shoulder with the other. “Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” said Kibum, grinning back, all thoughts of the girls still standing dumbfounded behind him lost.
“No,” said Kibum, legs slung over Donghae’s as they sat on the grass together. “No, it is not, Donghae.”
“Divination is an important subject!” Donghae protested. “You sound like that girl in my house. She’s always saying that it’s a soft subject and a load of guesswork.”
“That’s because it is,” said Kibum, and made a mental note to talk to this girl.
“It’s not!” said Donghae loudly. “Professor Trelawney is a wonderful woman! She can see into the future.”
“No she can’t, Donghae,” said Kibum with a sigh. “No one can see into the future.”
“You said no one could really do magic,” retorted Donghae. “And now look at where we are.”
“That’s completely different, Donghae,” said Kibum. “Not one teacher in this school actually believes that Trelawney is actually a prophet.”
“She told me that I’d be famous one day,” said Donghae petulantly.
“You already are famous,” said Kibum. “Just not here. She’s not foreseeing that, it’s just something she’s made up.”
“You have to ruin all my fun,” said Donghae.
“It’s a tough job,” said Kibum, fingers trailing up the inside of Donghae’s thigh. “But someone has to do it.”
“Well,” amended Donghae, leaning in to kiss him. “Not all my fun.”
“Hyung!” Siwon looked happy, and really, Heechul felt that he should have learnt his lesson about seeming happy in front of him, because nothing amused Heechul more than shooting down a beloved dongsaeng. Hankyung, Heechul noted with some glee, was already glaring at him. Siwon pulled at a small badge on the front of his robe. “Look! I was made a prefect!”
“I don’t know where I went wrong with you,” Heechul said mournfully.
“One of the previous prefects got ill,” explained Siwon. “And they made me his replacement for a while.”
“Oh my god,” said Heechul. “I hate you sometimes.”
“There’s a prefect bathroom,” Hankyung said, so quietly that no one else would have been able to hear; Heechul heard perfectly, and smirked a little.
“Password,” he said. “Give me the password.”
“No,” said Siwon firmly. “I’m not allowed to do that.”
“Why could they have made you prefect?” Heechul asked Hankyung. “You’d have been much more fun.”
“I don’t think they appoint prefects on the basis of how fun they’d be,” Hankyung said patiently.
“No,” said Heechul. “Apparently it’s on how annoying and boring they are.” He turned to Siwon, poked him in the chest, and said, quite firmly and loudly, “Fuck you.”
“Five points from Slytherin,” Siwon said swiftly and primly. Heechul gaped at him, and then narrowed his eyes.
“Take that back,” he said.
“No,” said Siwon.
“Siwon!” Heechul shrieked. “You fucking bastard, take it back!”
“No,” repeated Siwon. “And five more points off.”
“Oh, I see,” said Heechul angrily. “Oh, I know what this is,” and he reached over, took Siwon’s by the tie, pulled his head down and growled, “Take it back, Siwon, and I won’t rip your face off.”
“No, hyung,” said Siwon. “I have to stick to what I do. That’s what is important about being a prefect! Doing the right thing.”
“Hmm,” said Heechul, and stalked off down the hallway. Hankyung just shrugged at Siwon’s confused expression and wandered off to his next lesson.
That night when Siwon went down to the bathroom, Heechul was standing outside, leaning against the door casually, hair scraped up into a loose semblance of a bun, falling down around his face. He pushed forward when he spotted Siwon, robe falling open to reveal black shorts worn under a shirt that was longer than he usually wore, tie slack around his neck. Siwon swallowed.
“Hey,” Heechul purred, pressing up against him and trailing his tongue languidly across his pulse. “You’re late. I was thinking – want to take a bath?”
Siwon later awarded fifty points to Slytherin for ‘outstanding services’.
“Hey, Malfoy,” said Harry. “Control your housemates, would you? They won’t leave mine alone.”
“Fuck you, Potter,” spat Draco. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“What we’re talking about,” said Ron, “is that we’ve already caught two Slytherin’s hanging around the Gryffindors. They don’t know any better. Explain it to them, or we’ll have to take action.”
“You guys,” said Hermione, with a roll of her eyes. “What is this, gang warfare?”
“Shut up, mudblood,” said Draco, and stalked off.
“You’re all a disgrace to this house,” raged Draco Malfoy, and all those he was talking to just raised eyebrows at him and looked unimpressed.
“This is like watching Ryeowook try to be scary,” said Kyuhyun.
“I kind of want to pat you on the cheek and coo at you,” said Heechul. “Just so you know.”
“Don’t even get me started on you,” said Draco, pointing imperiously. “You’re the worst one of them all!”
“Hey,” said Heechul, annoyed. “I’ll have you know that we are averaging an extra fifty points a week thanks to me.”
“Yes,” said Draco. “Because you’re sleeping with a prefect. It’s disgraceful.”
“He’s hot,” said Heechul, as if that explained everything.
“He’s a Gryffindor. That’s worse than Hufflepuff!”
“Hey,” said Kangin angrily.
“There’s nothing wrong with Hufflepuff!” said Yehsung.
“I don’t know,” said Kyuhyun. “I mean, that’s where Zhou Mi is. I’d say there is something wrong with Hufflepuffs, to be honest.”
“I kind of agree with Blondie on this,” said Heechul.
Draco spluttered at him. “You!” he shouted. “How dare you? I’m Draco Malfoy! I’m a pureblood!”
“And I’m Kim Heechul,” said Heechul lowly, standing up in order to look down his nose. “And I’m obviously so much better than you that your puny mind can’t even begin to comprehend it.”
“I should get you all expelled!” Draco shrieked, and his two goons cracked their knuckles. “I should, and I can!”
“Oh my god,” said Kibum. “Would you shut the fuck up? I’m trying to read.”
“Do not take the fact that you can’t manage to get into the pants of scar face out on us,” said Heechul. “Don’t be jealous just because we’re getting laid and you’re not.”
Draco Malfoy, for once, couldn’t think of a comeback.
“Just so you know,” said Kangin. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a Hufflepuff.”
“That’s nice to know,” said Eeteuk, pausing and putting his pen down. “Can I just ask? Have you actually handed in an assignment on time so far?”
“No,” said Kangin cheerfully, sliding onto the bench next to him. Eeteuk sighed.
“Heechul just told me that you have detention every night for three months. Why don’t you just do the work, Kangin?”
“Fuck, hyung,” said Kangin. “I didn’t come here to work. I don’t really want to be back at school.”
“Then why did you come?” Eeteuk asked, exasperated.
“Because trying to argue with manager-hyung is like trying to convince Sungmin that he doesn’t need to haul that pink rabbit around everywhere,” said Kangin. “It’s just – it’s impossible.”
“Oh,” said Eeteuk. “Still, I think you-”
“And you know,” Kangin continued, looking away resolutely. “You seemed pretty excited about it, so.”
“Oh,” said Eeteuk. “Oh.”
“They are so corny, I want to throw up,” hissed Heechul, from where he and Hankyung were spying at on the other side of the shelf. Siwon spotted them and groaned, before coming over.
“Hyung,” he said. “Don’t make me take more points off you. And Hankyung-hyung, don’t make me have to take points from my own house. Stop spying on people’s private conversations.”
“Okay,” said Heechul, folding his arms. “Now you’re just trying to find excuses.” Then he added, as fondly as he would ever be able to manage; “Pervert.”
“Sex maniac,” Hankyung chipped in.
“Oh, good one!” said Heechul. “You learn well, young grasshopper.”
“There’s this boy,” said Donghae seriously.
“I don’t like where this is going,” said Kibum, closing his book.
“No,” said Donghae. “No, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is, I think he’s depressed.”
“Is this Kyuhyun?” Kibum asked. “Because I don’t know, I don’t think we do want to give him his video games back. He’s having fun with Zhou Mi instead.”
“No,” said Donghae. “Stop interrupting.” He tried to frown seriously. Kibum just laughed at him. “No, it’s a boy in my house. You’ve seen the one, the one with the black hair and glasses. The one with the scar.”
“Oh,” said Kibum. “Yeah, I remember Heechul mentioning him. Apparently he’s hot.”
“I think he’s depressed,” said Donghae sadly.
“What makes you think that?” Kibum asked.
“He always looks so sad!” said Donghae earnestly. “And he’s always sighing, and his friends always look so worried about him! He stays up really late, too, and he talks in his sleep. He screams, sometimes.”
Kibum, who had heard the stories featuring the boy, just said, “Perhaps you should try to cheer him up.”
“I knew you’d know what to do,” said Donghae brightly.
It made Kibum smile to see Harry Potter walking around, with Donghae doggedly trying to make him smile. He did so enjoy messing around with people.
“Hey,” said Heechul, snapping his fingers. “Get away from them.”
The girl with bushy hair stared at him, a little shocked. “Excuse me?” she asked, incredulous.
“Hyung,” said Siwon desperately. “Hyung, she’s in our house. She’s a prefect, like me.”
“So?” said Heechul. “Siwon, I don’t think you understand how hot you are.”
“He really doesn’t,” Hankyung said to Hermione. “Also, just do what I do. Just ignore Heechul.”
“Oh, stop flirting, would you?” said Heechul, poking him in the shoulder. “You do this with every pretty face in a ten mile radius!”
“You think I have a pretty face?” said Hermione, blushing a little.
“Princess,” drawled Heechul, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and ducking down to breathe it into her ear. “With a haircut, you could be almost as hot as I am.”
“You are such a hypocrite,” said Hankyung, pulling him away from the bright-red girl.
“Mmm,” said Heechul, pressing up close to him. “I like it when you insult me.”
Siwon turned desperately towards Hermione, who was staring, open-mouthed. “He’s really nice when you get to know him,” he said.
“This is weird,” said Sungmin. “Isn’t this weird? I don’t need you to translate! I can speak English.”
“Um,” said Henry. No, technically you can’t, is what he wanted to say, but he can’t quite bring himself to do it.
“I can understand everything that you say,” said Sungmin brightly. “Come on, say something in English!”
“Hi,” said Henry, and gave a little wave. Sungmin glared at him. “It’s hard!” said Henry defensively. “It’s hard to just suddenly come up with something to say!”
“I understood that!” Sungmin bounced on the balls of his feet. “I understand everything!”
“Yay,” said Henry, and pouted. English had been his secret weapon, to be perfectly honest, the one thing he could use in order to complain about what other people were doing around him. Now that that was taken away, he was pretty much stuck bottling everything up, and that was apparently dangerous.
“Aww, you’re so cute,” said Sungmin, and nudged him in the shoulder.
Henry took a risk. Henry never takes risks, because risks have a nasty habit of turning around and biting you on the behind just when you least expect it, but this time, he couldn’t help himself. He remembered suddenly about what Hankyung had said about the spell maybe not working on Chinese, and couldn’t stop himself.
“Gege,” he said, seriously. “I like you, and I know you like me. Why don’t we go to a classroom and have mind blowing sex?”
Sungmin cocked his head to the side. “Henry, it doesn’t work with Chinese,” he said.
“I know,” said Henry, and grinned at him. “Cock your head to the side if you agree with me.”
Sungmin cocked his head to the side in confusion.
“Oh, good answer!” said Henry, and kissed him, hands pressed to either side of Sungmin’s face, who squeaked a little, and then melted against him.
“I don’t know,” said Shindong. “Do you get the feeling that everyone else is just using this as a chance to have sex someplace different than usual?”
“Do you think that owls know how to get to Korea?” Eunhyuk asked. “Do you think Tablo-hyungnim will know magic too?”
Shindong stared at him.
“Oh, okay,” said Eunhyuk.